Miracles in the Heart of Darkness by Jonathan Harnisch
September 6, 2012, Porcelain Utopia
There are times in Life when I have to deal with “awful” things; things I just can’t ignore. The way I cope is by giving such things all the time and attention they need, however, not one single second longer than that. I invite you to do the same.
Take the time to enjoy all the good and beauty Life has to offer.
Over the years in my own darkness, and even the light—all of it, especially the loss of my family, finances and my mind (even over 1,000 hours of film and video footage I shot since I was 11) as I often bring up on The Real Me podcast, Porcelain Utopia and my documentaries, I always had hope. At one time (I think it’s in one of my other documentaries) I speak candidly, in my own self-aware psychosis about having nothing, at least nothing “good,” and that I didn’t even want help, and even then I always had hope. It started with my not knowing what I was even hoping for (perhaps a miracle, or just some relief, wanting to press the pause button of Life) from there, patience, then mindfulness, and the camera which I’d look into and just talk to my then-invisible audience. Spirituality was always there and even with the schizophrenia, I had my “imaginary friends” (if that makes sense?) The ‘positive‘ symptoms (voices and hallucinations) both good and evil—the “good,” the angels, always cancelled out the “evil”—told me I was brilliant, gave me brilliant ideas, many of a grandiose nature, but then again, most of my life had been rather grand and abundant.
Taking such well respected theorists (Carl Jung, John Weir Perry, and R.D. Laing’s) approach that there’s so much we don’t know about Life, but that science might even suggest that such symptoms, could very well be real in some way, and with all the loss and trauma for example, and the idea, not even a belief necessarily that “everything happens for a reason…” I still couldn’t see the meaning, so I came up with my own, and then the hope became my purpose. It grew and changed and evolved, as did my authenticity, and lately my self-acceptance and forgiveness of others’ actions, especially my own, and the way that I looked at the world. I took the leap and when I began to change the way I thought (which can be difficult with Sz) my values changed, also out of need, but with time, the miracles started to occur, just not as I had expected. Sometimes I just have to stay put and let go completely. It’s often impossible not to get caught up in the moment of negativity for me, whether I just bruised my hand on a door, or some drawn-out legal matter is haunting every minute of the day, but once I could get that far, and start really thinking, believing and feeling simultaneously all the little clichéd quotes like the ones I sometimes post on Porcelain Utopia and elsewhere, they’re all incredibly true. Currently I’ve been choosing which things in my life I want to deal with and just do one thing at a time, in my own way. Being true to myself first, then others and when I miss the mark, I start over.
If any of you are still struggling (I think we all are and we are all in need of healing in some way or another) I’m confident you will succeed and come out of the darkness where most of you already know is where the light is.
I’m so happy that I have touched so many of you in some way. My goal had always been just one person, and now my “audience” is well over 100 million. To some I’m otherwise just some mental health problem; to my best of friends and myself, I am a person. And we all are. What we have in common is Love. I could write volumes about this, and actually I do have many movies, books, and art not online, just on my list. But most are complete.
As I wrote to a close friend this morning, “Feel my big bear hug. I feel yours. It’s unbelievable. “
I received an email from Bill Clinton’s office a short while ago [revision: 2 days ago, having written this part on Sept. 4th] asking me for additional information to recognize me for my work in mental health advocacy. A minute later, the head of a major Hollywood studio I was acquainted with during my years working in Los Angeles and New York wrote me about a $200 million budget period piece film script I’d written that’s been sitting on my shelf for over ten years, as well as his own. It was apparent they were going to green light it after all this time.
My browser and Internet and even my website crashed for a minute and the two emails and all it’s data instantly deleted. As an official developer for Google (I use Gmail and Chrome) and have owned Google stock since day one which is worth over $1.2 billion today. My family took control of it in January 2010. I have no credit and no money, my credit score had been around 780-790 and now I’m still in debt. …